"With A Little Bit Of Pluck" or "Hair and There"

So far, this morning, I have neglected to: take my vitamins, work-out, moisturize my body, let alone my face, oil my cuticles, cover with sunblock which is, in turn, covered with tinted moisturizer, eat something non- fattening but wildly nutritious, ( did I mention working out, WORK being the operative word).

It would be nice to see another human being for lunch who has also gone through the same routine (unless she is a facially hairless natural blonde,) in which case I wouldn't have lunch with her anyway. Unless she wanted to join the Music Academy Council which is a whole other story.

Basically what I've done, and it's already 11:13, is have a cup of coffee and read my e-mails. I gotta go take the vitamins, or it will be time for afternoon maintenance and I'll be late for the night time major operation which takes about an hour minimum.

Oh yes, I've kissed Barney the Dog. Thrice.

Daily Maintenance has become more demanding than Marine Boot Camp.

I've added up the things women are told to do to make ourselves look better and basically it is 26 hours a day just to look OK or normal - forget fabulous- that's 36 hours day! So, to be utterly fabulous, one can only appear once or twice a week for a short time between beauty treatments.

I'm starting at the top: Hair conditioned and put in some kind of order ( every three weeks, color and cut and various treatments which , as far as I can see, do nothing but cost a lot).

Face moisturized, sunblocked and then, if I'm lucky, or can bear to look in the mirror, made -up just a bit.

Brows, waxed, plucked, shaped and dyed, lashes dyed ( yes, you read that right),and then the worst:

the dreaded post-menapausal hair search!!!

No one wants to talk about the facial hair issue, that is why the writers in society, (much like myself and Jane Austen), are obliged to bring it out into the open.

HAIR - and not on your head (where it is rapidly thinning), but there it is on your lips, your chin and your throat , for God's sake. Plus these hideous nasty hairs actually grow from the time you leave your house all plucked and gorgeous to the time you arrive at an event - just take out your little magnifying mirror and look.. INCHES long, white or blonde ) or god forbid BLACK hairs that WERE NOT THERE BEFORE.

You absolutely must carry a tweezer and inspect your face in the car before you get out to go someplace epecially in the summer when the sun is bright. Otherwise you might be enjoying a lovely afternoon at the Music Academy and you sense that people are politely looking away from your chin or face or throat - you dash to the terrific but not too brightly lit ladies room to discover curly, bizare wiry things growing where nothing was an hour ago. FACIAL HAIR is a CURSE!

The husbands don't escape this either although they do not appear to care. They have hair growing out of their ears and noses. We have supplied them all with Panasonic thingies that groom ears and noses, but most of them forget, or dont do it thoroughly.

But this is not about the husbands: it is about poor suffering women.

You would hope that, once past the childbearing years ( or the " OH GOD , AM I PREGNANT" years,) things would calm down, but they don't....they get worse and you no longer have the joy of pattering little feet to make you feel better. or worse,depending on what type of child you get.

Then it's your body: moisturize, shave if needed, wax if possible, tone if you have the strength, put clothes on it including the right bra ( lifts and shapes),the right spanx so you can't breathe or eat, great pants, a perfect sweater, and acessories like scarves, necklaces and, of course a Fab pair of earrings, check next to ears for hair again!

You done? - good, so am I.. Go have lunch ( salad , no dressing, ice tea, no sugar and no dessert. ( Why even leave the house)?

Before you get out of your frehly washed and gassed- up car, take out your swiss tweezers, pull down the mirror and look carefuly at your entire face.. things have grown while you were driving 10 miles to Santa Barbara. I promise you : your tweezer is your friend and with a little bit of pluck, you'll look just fine.

Check for dog hair on clothes although this is unavoidable.

Until tomorrow when we start all over again.